A Letter To my 14 Year Old Self

Hi, friend. Let’s talk.

This whole high school thing is pretty weird, yeah? Yeah. I hear you. There’s suddenly a lot of really pretty boys, and you recently went through a break up, so that’s kinda hard, you think you’re not worth too much, and just holy shit people. It’s rough. It is rough, and you’re sort of caught up in this feeling of “oh my god if this was a river I’d be halfway to drowning in the current.” I get you. See, thing is, I’m you, only like… almost six years older than you. Wow, that’s weird. Ew that’s really weird, I shouldn’t have said that, that’s gross.

Anyway. I wanted to talk to you and it is a very important talk so if you could please sit down? Thanks. Awesome. Here we go.

First of all, I want you to know that every single fucking girl in middle school lied to you. All of them. They were vicious and cruel and somewhere, you know that, but you still think the words they said behind your back were true. They weren’t. You are radiant. You’re wonderful. You have a great personality and anyone would be lucky to be your friend because you try really hard to be motherly to everyone, and that’s a great trait to have. Honestly, that’s one I wish I would have retained through the years.

You need to do what you want. Dress how you want, do not, do not confine yourself to baggy jeans and hoodies because “you don’t want to be noticed.” That’s a lie, and we both know it. You’re afraid to be noticed because when people can see you better, you’re more likely to hear shit about you behind your back. I’ll let you in on a secret. People already can see you. Because of who your friends are, how small your school is, and your personality, people know you or know about you. Trust me. In three years, you’ll be passing people in the halls who’ll say, “hey, Senna!” that you have never spoken with and don’t even know what major they’re from. So if you want to buy yourself that cute dress, fucking do it, wear the shit out of that thing, it’ll be weird at first but that feeling will pass as you realize how great you look. Wear what you want. Say what you want. And you know what? Take no shit. Not from your friends, not from your classmates, not from a single senior on that fucking bus, take no shit. You are a person, not a thing or a project or a rival or anything, you are a person and you have a voice so use it and tell people when enough is enough.

And while I’m on this line of thinking, call people on their bullshit. Tell people when they’re being offensive or purposely stepping on your toes. Yell at people for using you. Don’t let anyone do something that’s completely against your morals or anything that you’re super uncomfortable with. Get out of your comfort zone, sure, but don’t confuse “getting out of your comfort zone” with “doing things that under no circumstances you’d ever want to do.”

You like girls, also. Seriously, just humor me. I want you to think of the couple times you’ve seen one girl or another in the hall and gone “oh, wow.” This is because you like girls. Everything makes so much more sense when you understand this, so yeah, there you go. Honestly, you basically like anyone of any gender, and your thought process ends up being “fall in love with people, not gender.” Which is great! This will give you a much less biased look on things in the future when you start learning about trans people and all that jazz.

Which reminds me. You have some pretty problematic views, if I’m honest, and it’s mostly your view on, ahem, “whores and sluts.” Listen, I know sex is a really foreign and strange concept to you, and you think virginity makes you special, but it doesn’t. You’re a person, not your virginity, the same as those girls are people, not their sex lives or how they dress. They dress that way because they want to, because it’s an ego booster, because they know they look good. And who cares if they have a lot of sex or they don’t? It literally doesn’t impact your life at all. So, yeah. Please stop with that, okay?

While we’re on the topic. You’re not broken. You’re not interested in sex the way most of your friends are because you’ve got this kind of obscure view on it that most people don’t. See, you’re what you’ll learn is called “demisexual,” which basically means you won’t be interested in sex until you’re really bonded to someone, like in a romantic way, and even then, it’s weird. It’s okay. You’re not broken, you’re just made differently. Punch anyone in the mouth that says otherwise cause they don’t know what they’re talking about.

Your sister and mom are both really great people. I know you aren’t getting along with them right now, but believe me, just… wait it out. You’ll see. They’ll mean so much more to you.

You’re still friends with Sarah, and she’s still an absolute gift to this world. Please hold on tight to her, cause you’ll need her in the near future over boy troubles. And trust her judgement? She’s usually dead-on when it comes to her predictions on whether someone is good or bad for you. …Actually, I can’t think of a time when she was wrong. I know you’ll be head over heels for a least two of these guys, but believe me, the one isn’t ever gonna be interested in you, and the other isn’t worth the months of tears and damage that you’ll go through after he decides he’s done using you. And she was dead-on about both of them. If you don’t listen to her, though, there’s someone who’ll pick you up at the end of it, as long as you’re willing to wait for him. He is worth the wait.

Keep writing. I’ll be honest, you have a long way to go with your work, but you’re getting better. Go back and read that dumb fairy series you wrote in the fourth grade. Yeah. You’ve come a long way, and I’ve come a long way since you. We’ll get published someday, kid. Keep at it.

It’s okay to ask for help. Your depression will go away so much faster if you start asking for help rather than trying to do everything yourself.

Stop buying mANGA JESUS CHRIST YOU’VE SPENT OVER $800 ON BOOKS YOU READ MAYBE TWICE STOP JUST READ IT ONLINE I AM BEGGING YOU

College is a big scary decision. It’s big. And it is scary. Do not rush the decision. Don’t go somewhere just cause someone else is going. Look at all your options. Consider all majors. Look near and look far away and just… do more looking than I did. I fucking dropped out of college because I made a bad decision about what school to go to, and now I’m jealous of Annie’s college.

Above all, love yourself, and help others love themselves. Everyone deserves to feel worth something. Yourself included. You’re fuckin rad, and you deserve so much more than you’re currently giving yourself. Don’t be so hard on yourself, okay? And spread goodnes and self-love. Make the world a nicer place, if you can.

I love you, nugget. I hope you end up loving you too, soon.

Advertisements

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s